His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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