What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
