You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
