No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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