if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you traded sex for a burrito?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
