I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We are all done wearing pants today
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