Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
