Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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