just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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