if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
