when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
home. puking in laundry basket.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Damn victory sex feels great
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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