alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
