I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
