wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i out mim tonsoeep
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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