i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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