Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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