I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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