I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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