Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
