Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
