New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
