I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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