Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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