I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
