Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
