i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
