i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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