Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
