When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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