I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
