I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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