no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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