we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
