I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
