How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
