After last night, I could never be a politician.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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