There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
