I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
