I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
