Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
