Yo dont text me then not text me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
