I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
