Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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