We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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