theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The beer is more important than you right now.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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