I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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