I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
is wine microwaveable?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
