Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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