She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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