so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
