I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
