she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
